I’m blessed to live in the United States of America. We’re obviously handling the coronavirus pandemic with grace and competence. And thanks to the caring, compassionate legislators that run the show around here, I’m about to get a few unearned Benjamins.
I mean, how lucky, RIGHT?! I didn’t have to do a thing! These good folks at the top are so grounded in reality, they just knew I was hit by hard times and could use a windfall of bright, shiny money.
Praise be! A whopping $600 is en route as we speak.
But where to start…where to start….
My personal finances have long since been in order, seeing as how in my 30-something years of life on this planet I’ve accumulated student loan debt, a stack of credit cards to buy my avocado toast with, monthly rent that contributes exactly 0% to my net worth, and a job that doesn’t cover healthcare, any retirement savings, or paid vacations.
So maybe I’ll start there. Doesn’t a vacation sound nice?
After some quick research, it appears $600 can get me:
- 1.8 nights in an Air BnB with a hot tub so I can soak away the stress of living through 2020 (or 1.2 if you consider the cleaning fees and taxes).
- Most of a one-way flight to a foreign country where I’ll have to quarantine for two weeks. I’ll need that time to figure out how I’ll afford a return flight (or it’ll give me time to research how to expatriate and denounce my U.S. citizenship).
- Some new luggage since I’ll undoubtedly be traveling more extensively in the near future.
But wait. Now that I’m thinking about it, perhaps that isn’t the most prudent way to spend this free money. The logical, rational part of my brain tells me to cover my ass and spend it on the essentials. My $600 is good for:
- 50% of my rent, no utilities included. That’s basically one month, half off so clearly this is a helluva deal.
- 1.3 car payments. But hey, I signed up for the pre-paid maintenance and I haven’t driven enough to need an oil change in eight months so I definitely think this is money well spent.
- 1.7 student loan payments…although somewhat pointless because it’s currently in forbearance. Is that basically like going to school for free? Hell yeah! Gamed the system, I’m killin’ it.
- Roughly two months of bare-bones health insurance. All things considered, it’s a pretty good plan. If I get hit by a train, I won’t go bankrupt but it doesn’t cover birth control so looks like I’m Googling “how to remove an IUD” after this.
- 2.7 trips to the grocery store. Maybe I can even upgrade myself and buy the name brands this time!
But that stuff is boring. Who needs to eat? The frivolous side of me just wants to have a little fun. I mean, I’m financially fucked but I might as well be financially fucked with some nice stuff. With $600 buckaroos I can get:
- A stand up paddleboard. I mean, not like a super nice one, but one that’ll float and keep me away from all those other idiots with too much free time.
- Approximately four to five pairs of LuluLemon leggings in various colors. My work-from-home attire just got a big-time upgrade and I’m sure everyone on Zoom will notice immediately.
- A premium linen duvet cover. Working from home?? More like, working from bed. And when not working, I’m wallowing. Make it comfy.
And the narcissist in me can’t be ignored. My vanity was absolutely not OK with the way I let my appearance slide during quarantine. To make up for it, those $600 doll-hairs could go toward:
- Some microbladed eyebrows or lash extensions. Pick one, can’t have both.
- Curtain bangs and a bayalage dye-job. Shit, I mean balayage. Ugh, whatever it is that Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee/Ash-Li posted about, just give me that.
- Shopping spree at Sephora. I don’t know what half that stuff does or what it’s for, but financially, I’m now in a position to learn.
- Boosted Instagram posts so I can become the influencer I was always meant to be. Move aside, Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashleee/Ash-Li.
I don’t know, maybe I should just be more sensible. Save it for a rainy day? Donate to a good cause or family in need? Pad my self-funded retirement? Pay off that bill from the time I went to the dentist and they took X-rays but forgot to tell me it wasn’t covered?
Nah…I’m definitely getting that linen duvet cover.